Fight the Wolf

The Latin word for Lupus is "wolf". The reference to the wolf actually dates back to 300 BC-100 AD, but the disease wasn't named until the thirteenth century by a physician named Rogerius. He used the term to describe erosive facial lesions that were reminiscent of a wolf's bite. In the middle ages some people were actually suspicious that people with Lupus had actually turned into werewolves. It's pretty obvious people with Lupus aren't werewolves. People often describe their flare ups as the wolf showing its face. The disease is like a wolf, because it is fierce and unexpected. One day you can be fine and the next you can hardly move. It can attack any part of the body without warning. 

Oh man. I have to say that last night just sucked. The night before wasn't great either, but last night just sucked. I realize that if I were in a store, the average person would not know that I'm sick. The average person would not know just how bad I'm feeling. I look normal. Healthy, according to the nurse at my PCP's office. Looks can be so deceiving. 

On a good day my body feels like I have the flu. My body just aches, I'm still slightly nauseous,  and just so exhausted. On a good day I can actively get a load of dishes done, vacuum the floors downstairs, and maybe get a load of laundry going. I have to pick and choose what I do though. If I need to run to the store, that sometimes is the only thing I can do that whole day. Yesterday I ran to express care to get some blood work done, then I ran to target where I wore Aidan and pushed a cart.  I had plans to run to Walmart, but after I left Target I was completely drained. When I got home the real pain started. I brought the baby into the playroom with me and I just laid on the couch. With every hour the pain just got worse. On my bad days like today and yesterday, it feels like someone is chiseling at my bones from head to toe. My hands swell and ache with every little motion. The nausea is insane. My head feels like someone is stabbing me in the brain over and over. My hip joints, legs, ankles, and toes hurt so bad that it's almost unbearable to walk. My back and neck hurts so bad sometimes it's hard to even sit on the couch. The pain in my joints just radiates through my whole body. So while I might look healthy, normal, and happy on the outside; I'm hurting tremendously on the inside.

The worst part of this is the fact that it's not just affecting me, it's affecting my family and friends as well. I mean, we all had plans this weekend. Mark and the kids were going camping with Landen's cub scout pack. Mister and I were going to stay here and my friend Katie and I were supposed to carpool to the campground on Saturday to spend the day with our families. Mark and the kids decided last night that I was just in too much pain to continue planning their trip for the weekend. I'm not sure that I would have felt good enough to carpool tomorrow or not, but those plans were washed as well. My point to this is that this disease is highly unpredictable, and when planning anything we have to consider that I could start to feel sick at any moment. When planning anything with me, you need to understand that our plans may need to change in a moments notice. I'm absolutely heartbroken that I had to break our children's heart by cancelling our plans. This is going to happen and I need to realize I can't control everything. 

I can't always control the wolf, but I can fight it. I WILL FIGHT THE WOLF. 

I love the Rachel Patten version, but I also love the Piano Guys. This version is amazing and it really talked to me today. There are no words, but they really aren't needed.