When doctor's don't doctor...

I've seen A LOT of doctors through my life. Some are amazing, some are mediocre, and some are just existing. I have an understanding that not all doctors are going to have all of the answers, and that's okay. I understand that I have a lot going on, and many medical tests are necessary. Most of the doctors that I have seen in the past have inadvertently made me to feel crazy. Just because you have anxiety or sometimes may experience a panic attack does not make you crazy. This makes you human. Then some of my most recent doctors have been amazing and I've felt like I've actually been getting somewhere. 

Today I went to a new neurologist to talk about my possible seizure activity, dizziness, numbness, short term memory loss, and cognitive dysfunction. I arrived in a timely manner as I always do. I had all of my paperwork already filled out. With it was a copy of my family medical history, my list of previous diagnoses, and a list of all of my symptoms. I waited a long while in the waiting room. When I was finally called back she promptly took my weight, which she thought was about 2lbs off. We went into the room where she took my blood pressure and we talked about why I was there. She jotted down quite a few notes for the doctor, then said he would be in right away because he was in his office. I waited another 15 minutes before he finally came in. 

Now normally Mark goes to my appointments with me because I have such a hard time putting words together when trying to describe my symptoms. He can always explain things in a way that I can't. He unfortunately couldn't go with me today and I wonder if the outcome of the day might have changed if he were there to help advocate for me. Nonetheless, today still happened. 

He walked in said "Hello, Mrs. Hammel" and then shook my hand. He sat my paperwork on the exam table and took a seat in his chair. He went over a couple of my symptoms and asked how often the symptoms occurred. I sat and thought for a second. In an impatient tone he asked again, how often the symptoms occurred. I tried explaining that the height of my symptoms seem to occur around my monthly cycle. So I typically get about a week to a week in a half without symptoms, but that it had been coming and going more frequently. He sat with his right arm propped up on the table, resting his hand on the side of his head, Leaning back in his chair, he looked at me squinting his eyes. He asked "how long the symptoms lasted". I explained that my symptoms had become more unpredictable since having Aidan, but he cut me off in an abrasive manner and harshly asked me again how long the symptoms lasted. If he hadn't rudely cut me off, I was about to say that they could last for a couple hours, to a couple days, or even weeks at a time. His demeanor seemed abrasive, and intimidating. I was not made to feel comfortable what so ever. 

The whole time he was in the room he didn't do any sort of examination. The only time he touched me was to shake my hand. He sat in front of me and in a most certain tone said "I feel that all of this is just due to generalized anxiety disorder. You just have too many symptoms for it to be anything else. If you don't get this anxiety taken care of, it's going to ruin your life and possibly make it harder on everyone around you". He said that to me. He pretty much told me that ALL of my symptoms are in my head and that if I don't get my "crazy" taken care of, I'm going to ruin my families lives along with me. What the actual fuck? Like I've said before, I've seen a lot of doctors, but this one has to be the worst one I've seen to date. I literally felt like crying. I was shocked. I didn't know how to reply. He caught me completely off guard. 

And while I know that I have anxiety, that is most certainly not what is causing my symptoms. Is it helping my symptoms get worse? Maybe, but it most certainly is not what is causing them to begin with. My medical team ( 2 primary physicians, rheumatologist, and gastroenterologist) ALL believe there is more going on with me than my "crazy". Blood tests, urine tests, ultrasounds, and physical examinations say that there is more going on, but hey what do they know. 

He ended our 5 minute "encounter" with him handing me a piece of paper that said he wanted to do an EEG and an MRI, but he said he highly doubts that anything will come of it. It seemed to me that he already had his mind made up before he ever walked into the room. He didn't seem to really care about anything I had had to say. I allowed him to momentarily hurt me. Hurt who I really am, but it won't happen again. I refuse to allow anyone, especially a doctor, make me feel like I'm crazy, or that I'm hurting my family because of my illnesses. F-you, doctor Hughes. Your not a mediocre doctor, your just an "existing" doctor. I WILL NOT be going back to you, and I sincerely hope that your lunch was worth rushing through my 5 minute encounter (because that wasn't an appointment I just paid $45 for) with you. You can take your eeg and mri and shove it. I'm not paying for testing so that you can make me feel like shit again. I'll wait for my endoscopy and colonoscopy, and go from there. 

ADIOS